Male / Female Translator

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

Yes = No
No = Yes

Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to do that
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
Be romantic and turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = I want new curtains, carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I want something expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something terrible today
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy

I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice tits!

You look tense = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = What self-inflicted psychological trauma is it this time?

What's wrong? = I'm guessing sex is out of the question
I'm bored = Would you like to fuck?

I love you = I'd like to fuck right now
I love you, too = I really want to fuck

Let's talk = I'd like to show you my emotional depth as a prelude to sex
Will you marry me? = I really enjoy having sex with you

Need A Bad Day to Get Into Heaven

It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Two Mexicans are Stranded in the Desert

Two Mexicans are stranded in the desert, on their last leg, about to die of thirst. They stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something, they suddenly spy through the heat haze a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with strip after strip of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre. "ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree there's the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out.... "Ugh, run,amigo, run!! ees not a Bacon Tree"...

"ees... a.... Hambush"

How to Hire the Best Wedding Photographer

Nowadays, photography is a very common occupation – not just professionally but as a hobby as well. Good cameras are becoming cheaper and more accessible all the time, so its not surprising to see so many photography studios popping up all over the place. And while some of them might be able to give you very attractive-looking prices, you should always be careful about the actual quality of their services and make sure that youre getting something thats actually worth your money.

This is especially valid for a more important event such as your wedding – in this case its absolutely necessary to get a photographer who knows their work better than anyone else, and of course youre going to have to pay a bit more than the average price in your local market. The best photographers tend to have negotiable prices if youre good with that, so ask around to see what they can do for you in terms of giving you a good deal. In addition, if you have every detail about the photo session figured out from the beginning – e.g. you know how many pictures youd like taken, the duration of the whole ordeal and everything else – you should be able to get at least some reduction in the price as many photographers are willing to give discounts for clients who come prepared.

Looking at portfolios is a must – with any photographer worth their salt youre going to find a selection of their work published online. Go through the portfolio of every photographer youre considering hiring, and make sure you examine the types of photos that interest you in particular (in terms of setting and wedding style). This should give you a good overview of what each photographer can offer you, and which the most prospective ones are.

If you want to lower the price of the service somewhat, you should try to reserve the photographer ahead of time. Most of the popular photographers tend to have busy schedules, so hiring them close to the date of the event would usually cost you more because they might need to work more to squeeze you into their schedules. Some photographers publish their calendars on their websites, allowing you to see when theyre going to be free – so if you havent arranged the date of the wedding yet this might be a useful piece of information.

No matter which photographer you end up hiring though, one thing is absolutely key in your work with them – communication. You have to make sure that you talk about everything relevant to your event with the photographer, and if you have any specific requirements about the way youd like them to do the job, let them know as early as possible. Thats the only surefire way to ensure that youll get the kind of service you really want, and that youll be satisfied with the final result of the photographers work. And keep in touch with them afterwards if youre satisfied as well – you never know when you might need to hire a photographer again!

The Most Popular Way To Make Prank Phone Calls Online

April fool’s day is coming soon. If you have plans to trick your friend, then crank call is one of the best ways of doing so. Among numerous sites that can be found online, one such example is phonetrick.net that helps you to trick your friends through their online portal. The site offers the following functionalities:

- Choose the Caller ID number for the prank

- Prank any phone in the USA or Canada

- Disguise your prank in 11 different voices

- Schedule prank calls - increase the prank fun

Prank Call Guidelines:

Good prank calls are a lot of fun, and can be the source of enjoyment for both the parties involved. The word “Good” is the important aspect in the prank call guidelines as it defines the boundary of the prank call that is limited to having fun and not to cause torment or demean anyone. Experienced Pranksters will generally move on to other forms of entertainment, such as literature and music. There are many types of Prank Calls such as funny calls, spoof calls, and others. You need to have empathy and understand that your actions do not torment any particular person, just so that you can have fun.

Reason to Prank:

Prank calls means that recipients are to be fooled in one way or the other. Funny calls, Nuisance and spoof calls come under one category and are intended to have fun. Occasionally, prank callers will attempt to sell recordings of their calls for money. This happens without the recipient person’s consent and is means to embarrass them.

On the other hand, threatening and harassment calls fall into the other category. It may be for a cause of revenge or to intimidate the recipient. Filing a case against the prankster may leave him behind bars. However, unless there is evidence that a serious incident could occur as a direct result of these phone calls the authorities are powerless to help.

Funny calls and tricks:

Good prank is to call a Chinese restaurant and ask for some junk food; also suggest that they must have that on their menu. One other prank call can be to pretend as if you’re a Television host and giving away lots of dollars for a simple participation. Behind all these calls you should prepare yourselves with a proper plan and then make a call. One other prank call can be to mimic the person you are placing the prank call on and repeat everything that he or she says. This is one of the best ideas for good prank calls that you can use if they say, hello, repeat the same, if they say, are you mad, you do the same. This is one of the most funny prank call ideas that you can make use of.

Advise yourself by not crossing the line and you’re safe and happy and also create amusement for the recipient.

The Most Popular Way To Make Prank Phone Calls Online

April fool’s day is coming soon. If you have plans to trick your friend, then crank call is one of the best ways of doing so. Among numerous sites that can be found online, one such example is phonetrick.net that helps you to trick your friends through their online portal. The site offers the following functionalities:

- Choose the Caller ID number for the prank

- Prank any phone in the USA or Canada

- Disguise your prank in 11 different voices

- Schedule prank calls - increase the prank fun

Prank Call Guidelines:

Good prank calls are a lot of fun, and can be the source of enjoyment for both the parties involved. The word “Good” is the important aspect in the prank call guidelines as it defines the boundary of the prank call that is limited to having fun and not to cause torment or demean anyone. Experienced Pranksters will generally move on to other forms of entertainment, such as literature and music. There are many types of Prank Calls such as funny calls, spoof calls, and others. You need to have empathy and understand that your actions do not torment any particular person, just so that you can have fun.

Reason to Prank:

Prank calls means that recipients are to be fooled in one way or the other. Funny calls, Nuisance and spoof calls come under one category and are intended to have fun. Occasionally, prank callers will attempt to sell recordings of their calls for money. This happens without the recipient person’s consent and is means to embarrass them.

On the other hand, threatening and harassment calls fall into the other category. It may be for a cause of revenge or to intimidate the recipient. Filing a case against the prankster may leave him behind bars. However, unless there is evidence that a serious incident could occur as a direct result of these phone calls the authorities are powerless to help.

Funny calls and tricks:

Good prank is to call a Chinese restaurant and ask for some junk food; also suggest that they must have that on their menu. One other prank call can be to pretend as if you’re a Television host and giving away lots of dollars for a simple participation. Behind all these calls you should prepare yourselves with a proper plan and then make a call. One other prank call can be to mimic the person you are placing the prank call on and repeat everything that he or she says. This is one of the best ideas for good prank calls that you can use if they say, hello, repeat the same, if they say, are you mad, you do the same. This is one of the most funny prank call ideas that you can make use of.

Advise yourself by not crossing the line and you’re safe and happy and also create amusement for the recipient.

interesting facts about girls

Observation:

Guys never notice differences in their friend's appearance unless the difference is too obvious (like a very poor haircut that leaves the scalp like a partially mowed lawn). But with girls, it's not the case... Try walking to your friend who is a girl (the phrase girl friend avoided for obvious reasons) with a small stain on your shirt which is usually unnoticeable. Chances are that you would get caught within the first couple of minutes.

Care:

Guys try their best to be caring but come on... they are not designed for that! Girls often tend to care more than what you want them to and often that makes them question every 10-15 seconds about your wellness. If you are down with fever and you let your best friend who is a girl (quite funny to type) know, chances are that you'll end up answering the phone at least 20 times that day!

Childishness:

Almost everyone has some childishness in him/her. The famous quote "There is no point growing up if you cannot be a child at times" is an illustration of that fact. However, the proportion of girls I've observed to be childish is much higher than what I observed in guys!

Talking:

Even the most silent girl is highly talkative within her group. With guys a reserved guy is a reserved guy wherever he is but with girls, a reserved girl acts differently when she is with her friends and when she is in a larger gang.

Possessiveness:

I might be generalizing a bit too much here. But many girls are possessive about their friends and belongings! At least that is my observation.

Gossip:

A girl who stays at home knows much more than a guy who is hanging out most of the day!

Independently dependent:

Girls seem to depend on someone way too much either emotionally or personally but at the same time they easily switch preferences. Someone who was inevitable a couple of years back becomes a good friend today and a good contact tomorrow. At any point, a person who shows a lot of interest on her is always considered the best by a girl! Again, may be I'm generalizing... But that's something I observed out of my experiences.

Emotional handicap:

With the brain being locked in an emotional trap, girls usually end up taking decisions purely out of their heart which in most cases will not be correct. Ironically, even after realizing that they made a mistake, it is next to impossible for them to correct that.

Hypocrisy when it comes to guys:

Girls enjoy guys falling for them but many do not want to reveal that. A beautiful girl almost always confirms that the guys around her are interested in her through unnoticeable gestures. Guys however strong just start shaking at the sight of a beautiful girl staring at them and get caught. But a girl never reveals anything more than a smile at the corner of her lips... Gets hard for the guys to assess her pulse

The Best Bar and Nightclub Jokes Ever

Having a boring day at the office or at uni, daydreaming about which bars or nightclubs you will be heading to this weekend? If so here is a few bar and nightclub jokes to break up the mediocrity of the daily grind. 

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for 5 double shots. The bartender, a little surprised lines up the glasses and pours them out, assuming his mates are just round the corner. The man then, calm as a coma, knocks each shot back one after the other. The bartenders, amazed by this feat of drinking turns to the man and goes “that’s a big effort.” The man replies “you would drink quickly too if you had what I’ve got.” Curiously the bartender asks “what have you got mate” to which the man replies “no money.” 

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and asks the bartender how much? The bartender replies “no charge” 

A man, after having 27 drinks at a nightclub decides to head home, grabs his car keys and heads to the car park. Struggling to walk, he finally gets to his car, takes him 3 goes to get the keys into the ignition, reverses into the car park wall and drives straight through the boom gate. Realising his wife is at home waiting for him, a decides to drive as fast as possible, swerving across the road erratically. A police car see’s this and pulls him over. The copper asks the man “mate do you know how fast you were going?” The man replies “How the fuck would I know, I’ve just had 27 drinks.” 

A rabbi, a sheik and a priest all walk into a bar together holding hands singing “hari-krishna.” The bartender says to them “what is this some kind of bad joke?” 

A penguin walks into a bar and with a sense of urgency asks the bar man “sir have you seen my brother, he’s missing and I can’t find him” to which the bar man replies “what does he look like?” 

A man walks into a bar, and furiously yells ”all bouncer’s are assholes!!!” A man at the end of the bar stands up, slams his drink on the bar and yells “you better fucking take that back.” Shocked, the man says “why, are you a bouncer?” to which he replies “no… I’m an asshole.” 

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, How is this possible? The guy says “I’m the designated decoy” 

By Nastasia Campanella For www.barsandnightclubs.com.au

Opt Reputed Online Magazine to Kill Some Time

Studying is one of the most well-known interests among the people. People like to pick publications, books, newspapers etc to study and create most time. It helps to learn about the latest development and gain vital pieces of information. For many people, reading has contributed immensely to improve their way of lifestyle. There are numerous health advantages that people can appreciate with reading. The Online has become excellent foundation to keep enjoying the reading addiction. Online publications have caught the attention of avid visitors with actual lifestyle humorous scenario, technology and other such material. It has proven its worth in providing the chance to destroy a while and help people to invest their sparetime more proficiently.

On the internet, you can come across various sites providing platforms to continue your reading addiction. It is considered to be more practical and cost-effective choice in comparison to other traditional resources. However, it is advisable to be particular and sensible in your decision. Choose the well-known online publications that offer material of various subjects to destroy a while, while travelling, or during your sparetime. Opt online journal that offers clean material on various subjects such as inspiration, way of lifestyle, devices, travel and many more. All the material are placed in a category to help visitors find these material with ease. Whether you want to study an content on true shocking actual lifestyle stories, or unwind with a humorous content, you are bound to work for you. The Online is home to a wide source of options and can help you create the most of this chance.

The best part online publications is the clean material. Websites create sure to update material regularly. This is extremely beneficial to the visitors, who can then study material that is simply clean and unique. Not all the people have a similar taste in their reading. It is observed that online publications are quite well-known among younger people. With the quick entry to these web based publications, the youth like to study about automobile industry, devices, way of lifestyle, actual lifestyle humorous scenario and more. The visitors can study interesting material to destroy a while during their breaks in college or universities. The material are written by giving more stress to create it more interesting. This way the visitors appreciate reading the content and get satisfied. You can begin your day positively by studying material or motivational quotes from SittingBull and many others. This will inspire you and help you keep up a happy view to lifestyle.

Online publications have taken large progress these days. With the advancement of the internet, people can accessibility the publications on the internet without much difficulty. This is the most practical way have fun with your reading interests and destroy a while. You don't need to invest a money from your pocket. It is an economical choice to keep your reading interests alive. There are sites that offer you with to be able to become freelance authors. You can create a career as expert writer by getting associated with well-known online publications. Online journal sites offer an excellent foundation to visitors and authors as well.

source:

http://www.articlesbase.com/humor-articles/opt-reputed-online-magazine-to-kill-some-time-6174618.html